Peace by Piece

This summer our family spent some time down at Fish Lake. One of the mornings, when the kids were duly occupied with either cousins or the literary Harry Potter, I found myself alone. Being in the mood for a little diversion (since Erik was home working and I had no cell reception within the campground with which to call and interrupt him to explore “life, the universe, and everything”–which is really my favorite diversion), I pulled out Yahtzee.

I like the game. Having three chances to shake the dice and strategize about the most likely scenario for earning points, I often manage my risks and do fairly well. Having no control over the dice, though, keeps the game unpredictable and interesting.

Interesting, that is, as long as I am at least occasionally graced with a great roll. For some inexplicable reason, NONE was coming that morning. I could not believe how poorly I was doing. Despite my best theories and most elaborate shaking schemes, I repeatedly missed the necessary runs or sets to earn a respectable amount of points. No upper section bonus. No large straight. No full house. Don’t even ask about a Yahtzee. I finished with a score of 131. Pathetic!

Well, that wasn’t any fun. So, hoping to get the happy endorphins rolling again (assuming, as I was, that I would of course do better this time), I quickly started a new round. I do not exaggerate when I say (and In Case You Didn’t Know, I’m quite incapable of lying–at least 99.9% of the time), that I honestly believe that I was well on my way to receiving the absolute worst score anyone has ever earned in a completed round of intending-to-winYahtzee. What the heck?!

As the nightmare was happening, I found myself trying to will the dice (in a sort of self-imposed trial of faith) to produce the numbers I was desperately needing. It didn’t work! Nothing worked! Realizing that my final score was likely to be even worse than the previous round, I started to panic. (Note: Only slightly hyperbolic language here.)

Now you non-type-A personalities may not understand why I was getting so emotionally involved in the game. It’s only a game, you may be thinking. Yeah, right! Just like it’s only a song for the American Idol aspirant who is blowing it, utterly blowing it on the final contest of the season–for some inexplicable, perverse reason for which she cannot account given that she’d prepared fully (I’m talking vocally, emotionally, mentally, wardrobally) to nail the song, wow the audience, and win the glory. While I concede it might not appear that the stakes of my Yahtzee game were anywhere near those of a final song on the final night of American Idol, I will try to explain their similarity for me.

For a perfectionist personality, expecting oneself to do well and then doing well is the name of the game. Anticipating-and-then-accomplishing provides immediate-though-temporary evidence that one is worthwhile. Perverse, isn’t it? So whether it’s a second game of Yahtzee or a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity on American Idol, the mental and emotional stakes are very high when a person depends on successful outcomes to validate one’s worth and importance.

It was this state of reality that led to me sobbing uncontrollably for over an hour! Not while at Fish Lake, not during this game of Yahtzee, but around the age of 15–after messing up on a self-accompanied vocal solo in a sacrament meeting featuring our stake’s youth activities committee.

I had prepared to play the song from memory but, unfortunately, I messed up and lost the flow of the memorized piece.  An awkward silence ensued as I scavenged my brain trying to come up with any feasible place where I could resume my song. (A day-old cadaver would have a hard time feeling as mortified as I did in that morgue-like silence!) Somehow or other I started again, finished the piece, and then dragged myself back to my seat in the choir—only to endure the torture of public tears during the duration of the meeting.

When my dad came to pick me up and I had the privacy of the car to keep me from public view, the small semblance of self-imposed composure I’d forced upon myself during the meeting gave way to Sobs! Heaving chest! Convulsive breaths! The Works!–for over an hour. I had completely humiliated myself–I believed–in front of not only an entire ward but, more importantly, in front of my peers on the activities committee. My externally-oriented personality judged that I was a worthless failure—and I reeled in panic and pain.

* * *

Now, Twenty-five years later, a crazy, double whammy of epic Yahtzee failures was again threatening my sense of self. With only a few turns left in that second game—minute opportunities for my Importance to reveal itself via a good score or two–I was suddenly graced by Wisdom:

“Why are you are getting emotionally involved in this game? The outcome has nothing to do with your worth.”

Moved, I paused to consider that thought. Of course it’s true, I mused. Sometimes people win, sometimes people lose, but does that mean they’re any more or less valuable because of it? No! Silly of me to have forgotten. Grateful for the reminder, I smiled and rolled the dice—curious, as an observer is curious, to see what Life was Going to Deal Me this time.

Five sixes landed face-up in the box. One single shake: a Yahtzee of sixes?!!

A shiver ran through my body. Holy Cow! This is a transcendent experience! What does it mean?!

I became (and continue to be) deliberate in my analysis. When I gave up my emotional involvement in the game, I was given the highest possible roll—like a hug from on high. But, ironically, I couldn’t use it in its ideal spot–the Yahtzee field –since I’d already zeroed that out. Was this a reminder that Scores and Success don’t determine my Soul Significance? But since the 6′s slot was still open, I experienced a “Redemption”: 30 points there to make possible my attaining the upper bonus!

All this was amazing, fascinating, otherworldly! It suggests to me that Grace comes when and where it will, and that I can Know Love regardless of my success or failure. (Or Something Along Those Lines.)  I’m very grateful for my Yahtzee lesson, but if I forget it again (as I undoubtedly will), Grace will provide!

While I was on my mission, a certain young man whom I had been very interested in back home stopped writing to me. I soon learned from my mom that he was engaged. My reaction was very interesting. Although I was naturally disappointed at first–since he was someone I greatly respected and thought I’d like to marry—it didn’t last long. Recognizing that pining after him had been a distraction, I felt that his being out of the picture now freed me up to fully engage in the work. And upon further reflecting how such pining for love-and-marriage had robbed my college years of much of the enjoyment potential that engaged-learning-without-romantic-drama could have afforded me, I resolved: ‘Never again will my happiness depend upon a man!’ I immediately envisioned a meaningful life that I could look forward to as a single (graduating college, teaching high school Spanish for 5 years, taking a trip down to Argentina to visit all the friends I’d made . . . ). ‘I’m going to live my life, and if marriage happens along the way, fine.’

Sour grapes? Maybe. Or maybe an emotionally healthy decision.

Ironically, love found me quickly after I returned home–when (or perhaps because) I was least worried about it. According to my husband, Erik, the relaxed enthusiasm I exuded as a woman-with-a-plan was very attractive to him. His attentions, interesting conversation, and enthusiasm for me were also very attractive. We married just over a year later.

Recalling that mission experience today, I was struck by the peace-filled energy that came when I decided to work toward creating my future life rather than lament my current lack. The latter is such a waste! To pine away is, literally, “to lose vigor, health, or flesh, as through grief.”

Here’s to putting depression in its place by making decisions and moving forward! (Wish me luck.)

After weeks of frustration at too few answers and too little progress toward the clarity of purpose which I’m so wanting in my life, I realized today that I’m just sick of it.  Sick of feeling down.  Sick of feeling angry and impatient with others because of my melancholy. Sick of stewing over the same problems again and again.  Sick of how depression feels!!

More than ready for change, I made the decision this morning that I was going to enjoy my day!  (Theorizing that enjoying myself would feel so much more pleasant than the alternative.)  No, I did not turn to mood-altering drugs.  No, I did not neglect all the home and parental responsibilities which are mine and sit back eating bon bons all day.  Rather, I turned my mood thermostat to “enjoy” and proceeded to try to enjoy each thing that I was going to do.

To my blessed delight (and surprise), I was able to do it!  I’ve had a great day!  There were a few situations that challenged my patience, but in each I quickly realized how I was starting to feel and thus changed my outlook and “upped” the empathy.   Voila’!  A return to enjoyment.

I am so pleased with the rewards of my simple decision.  What a powerful prescription for happiness:  Enjoying.  (Maybe I should patent it.)  <grin>

6/19/11  When I was about 16, our Young Women president invited her Avon lady to come speak to the girls in our ward.  The message she felt prompted to share with us was, “When you live in your heart magic happens.”  I remembered that phrase during a depressive time today and thought, That’s my problem: I live in my mind/thoughts rather than my heart. But how do I remedy that? I was still for a moment, and then a word came to mind.

Magnanimous.

I was intrigued . . .  Could this be another power word for me?  A striving, stretching, growing, sharing word for me?  I had some concept of what it entailed (being generous and helpful toward others), but I wanted to go look it up.  Ironically, I learned that its Latin roots are magnus (great) and animus (mind). But being magnanimous is much more than having grand thoughts.  Here’s how Noah Webster defined it: “[Possessing] greatness of mind, that elevation and dignity of soul which encounters danger and trouble with tranquility and firmness and which raises the [person] above revenge and makes him delight in acts of benevolence; which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects” (An American Dictionary of the English Language, 1812).  There was so much in that definition that resonated with me!

Being magnanimous today meant calling my dad to wish him a happy Fathers’ Day (rather than just thinking about it).  It meant buckling down and blogging in order to share my new power word.  It will mean going down to prepare a delicious dinner for my spouse to help him enjoy the remaining hours of Fathers’ Day.  It may mean hiring some help soon–which would keep me from being so scattered and benefit the family as well, I feel.

Magnanimous is a noble word.  Choosing to be magnanimous feels good.  It is refining.  I believe it has the potential to keep me living in my heart.

I’m thinking of blogging here more regularly–for the therapeutic benefit (working through the chaos in my brain via the writing process) and to chronicle my progress and musings during the time frame of receiving professional therapy.  Here goes.

6/7/11  Woke from a nap and felt the usual burden in my chest–the overwhelmingness of it all, the unending duties/potentials/worries that clamor for my attention.  I tried to be mindful (meta-mental) and simply notice the feeling rather than engage immediately in my default attempts to figure-it-all-out and prioritize-my-life-in-an-instant (mega-mentalling).  Gently giving my worry some checks and balances, I focused my thoughts on a few words that Dr. S* had emphasized in our last session:

Resilience

Flexibility

Contextualizing

Phronesis

The effect of slowly reciting these power words in my mind was noticeable.  Much of the burden I’d been feeling slipped away.  By emphasizing resilience, I felt less need to be in control.  I could get out of bed without having my life all figured out.  Thanks, Dr. S.

*I’ll keep the name confidential, since I’ve not asked his permission to use it.

Sometimes the blues sneak up on me.  Sometimes they’re painfully persistent. In either case, it’s helpful to have on hand–or online–some “get happy” ideas to try to help elevate my mood. Here are my wiser-self’s instructions to my depressed-self when my moodiness depletes my motivation:

-Get productive to get positive.
As I mentioned in an earlier blog post, a great way to stop being cranky is to conquer a small project. Whether it’s filing last month’s receipts or trimming the butterfly bush out front, accomplishing something feels great!

-Let music restore your mojo.
Find some upbeat music and dance up a storm. Drum out your weariness. Sing like a star. Let music move you into a better mood. (I highly recommend ABBA. Go Mamma Mia!!)

-Give nature a try.
Even if you can’t drive up into the mountains or out into the countryside, get outside. Lay on your back and look at the sky. Walk in the grass in your bare feet. Listen to the birds or the buzzing of insects. Stop and smell the roses, literally. Enjoy the sensual banquet that nature provides.

-Link to something that will make you smile.
America’s Funniest Home Videos, Damn YouAutoCorrect!, The Onion, Saturday Night Live, etc.

-Get out of bed to get out of your head.
Stand up, feel the carpet under your feet, do a yoga stretch, take a deep breath, get dressed, etc.

-Pay attention to another person.
Smile, watch, listen, call, email, chat, etc. to show another person that you care.

-Relax and read.
Fiction, information, biography, personal stories–what is calling you, today?

-Eat foods that elevate mood.
Proteins first–such as nuts, salmon, tuna, or chicken; later–oatmeal or whole grain bread; don’t forget–bananas, spinach, and a little dark chocolate!

-Practice “positivity” with personal affirmations.
Some possibilities: “I forgive myself. I forgive others. We’re learning as we go!”
“I’m beautiful. I’m powerful. I’m divine!”
“I’ve got friends in high places. They’re helping me in a gazillion ways, every day!”
“There’s a lot to like about me. I’ve come a long way, Baby!”
“I am creating beauty today–beautiful speech, beautiful kindness, beautiful moments, beautiful space.”
“I’m excited about this chapter in my story. No matter how the plot thickens, I’m committed and excited. Stay tuned as I thrive and help others feel alive! It’s history in the making!”
“There’s never been another me. I’m a modern miracle–empirically unrepeatable!”
“My positive efforts spread loving energy out and about in a domino effect of divine love.”
“I’m not stuck; there’s always a new possibility!”

-Close your eyes and visualize.
Imagine the worry, pain, or numbness disappearing–carried off on the wings of an eagle, ascending away in a thousand helium balloons, or being washed down the river as a note in a bottle. Let it go, and breathe!

-More ideas to come!

My last post was a downer, I know.  Yes, I have a lot of weaknesses, but I also have a lot of strengths.  Something I started early in the year was a practice in Appreciative Inquiry–namely, noticing what is going right in order to remain energized while moving forward in positive potential.  It’s a wonderful, feel-good exercise.  I highly recommend it.

Here’s the list I’ve been working on, off and on, since January:

What is working #1: “short term parking.”

In a nutshell, it is a system to keep my house tidy without constant nagging. Several years ago I purchased buckets (1 per family member) and placed them in the coat closet. Left out items get placed in the individual’s respective buckets.  I also have a large wicker basket in the study, for items left out upstairs. Once a week family members are encouraged to put away their items and/or place them in the To Be Donated bin in the garage.  Having my house tidy is nourishing to my peace!  Love this system. (1/6/11)

What is working #2: “Appreciative Inquiry”

In a nutshell, it is searching for my strengths in order to enjoy/discover/create more good in my life. I learned about Appreciative Inquiry last summer and have begun the process of identifying what’s working in my life in order to be positively energized and primed for even more positive life change. (I think A.I. would also add vitality to a family “team.”)  Creating this What’s Working list is a practice in appreciative inquiry. Thanks for letting me indulge!  (1/7/11)

What is working #3: “wedded bliss.”
In a nutshell, it is finding grace and happiness in my marriage. Nearly five years ago I discovered that I was not enjoying the incredible man (my husband) sharing the same house with me. With new eyes to see his pain, I became incredibly interested in his happiness and well-being, re-learning how fun it is to make out, dress beautifully, or talk for hours with my Erik. Erik is my gift, a gift I enjoy everyday now! (1/8/11)

What is working #4: “courageous honesty.”

In a nutshell, it is speaking the truth of things even when it’s scary.  As Erik and I have gotten closer these past five years, I’ve come to realize what a blessing it is to be completely honest, to hide nothing.  Being courageously open and honest bears wonderful fruit: greater emotional intimacy, compassion, and progress (the chance to make things better). Honest discussion, by definition, must be accurate!  (Descriptions of real feelings, situations, and behaviors–NOT exaggeration, labeling, or judgment). (1/10/11)

What is working #5: “mindfulness.”

In a nutshell, it is inviting peacefulness by being fully present to the moment.  Erik’s sister, Heidi, teaches mindfulness professionally in Sweden and introduced me to the practice two years ago. I’ve finally formed the habit of becoming mindful prior to sleep, when first waking, in moments of stress, or whenever it occurs to me.   It is inhaling deeply and listening to one’s breath, paying attention to sensory data (aromas, sounds, flavor, beauty, touch), letting go of tension, connecting with the body and consequently being freed from the clutter of the mind.  Mindfulness helps me sleep better and recover more quickly from disappointment and stress.  Thanks, Heidi! (1/13/11)

What is working #6: “gastronomy.”

In a nutshell, it is enjoying good food and the act of dining–which inspires my inner chef.  I used to have a menu of meals I repeated each month as I cooked for my family.  While it facilitated shopping-list creation and dinner-making decisions, it got boring.  Once I let go of the preconceived menu and started asking myself the question, “What food does my body want?” the gastronomy miracle happened: savory, soul-satisfying food was found regularly on our dinner table, with no resentment on my part for the time it took to cook.  Bon appetit! (1/15/11)

What is working #7: “freedom to question.”

In a nutshell, it is being open to improvement, to a better way of doing things. During my years of schooling, I valued getting straight A’s and consequently became a slave to the authority of my teachers. They told me what to do and I did it, without ever questioning whether a more customized assignment/methodology might be a better fit for me. But by homeschooling our children, and going through a faith transition, I’ve learned to question the what, why, and how’s. May I never forget this life is mine for the choosing. (1/17/11)

What is working #8: “fashion fun.”

In a nutshell, it is coming up with cute clothing ensembles through trial and error. In 2006, I started paying more attention to my appearance (see What is working #3). As I’ve continued to expand and purge my wardrobe since then (thanks to Erik’s generosity and great thrift store finds), I’ve found a lot of pleasure in coming up with beautiful combinations of jewelry and attire. Now, as I watch older family home videos, I contrast my former frumpiness with my more fashionable form of dress. I like my new hobby!–it’s fun to feel cute. (1/18/11)

What is working #9: “flying by the seat of my pants.”

In a nutshell, it is acting in realtime, satisfactorily. While I’m a gal who likes to scheme and dream, I’m not one who typically pulls all the pieces together early. (Need an executive secretary!) But despite my procrastinating and unrealistic estimations of how long it will take to get something ready, I can usually do so, even last-minute. (Such skills! ) To quote Wiktionary, flying by the seat of one’s pants is: “To use one’s judgement, initiative and realtime perceptions to decide on a course of action as events unfold without a predetermined plan.” Viva la power of now!—fueled by all the experience that has prepared me to act in a given moment! (1/22/11)

What is working #10: “friends pulling for me.”

In a nutshell, it is knowing that people care.  Sunday, I shared in church a few details of a couple of painful interpersonal experiences I’ve had recently to illustrate the changes I’m going through.  Afterward, several individuals came up to talk with me, to reassure me, to encourage me, and to share with me some of their own life wisdom.  It is such a blessing to know people care, support, and love me–imperfect though I be.  It is such a gift when friends’ faces light up when I come into a room; thank you, friends, for that simple kindness! (1/25/11)

What is working #11: “epiphanies.”

In a nutshell, it a gift of wisdom concerning something I’ve not considered before. As much as I enjoy thinking things through as a rational practice, I enjoy even more experiencing the grace moments of revelation and intuition that bring me insight, aha’s, and hilarious lucidity (“Of course!”). Now to apply the wisdom I’ve learned; that is the challenge! (2/2/11)

What is working #12: “a heart to teach.”

In a nutshell, it is being passionate about learning and passionate about sharing what I’ve learned. It is realizing I’ve been “made to mentor,” which is what I think Jack Canfield has discovered about himself. Just today I came across this term: mentos–meaning “intent, purpose, spirit, passion” (OED, Online Etymology Dictionary.) Those attributes resonate with me. I believe I have a heart to teach! (2/7/11)

What is working #13: “dexterity.”

In a nutshell, it is enjoying quick muscular and mental reflexes.  This allows me to catch falling precious things, to maneuver around dangerous obstacles, or to detect when I’m feeling manipulated, with amazing accuracy.  It’s been interesting to note that my lightning-speed brain is able to discern almost instantly when the “something” requires my immediate attention, pumping me up with the needed adrenaline to power my accurate response.  My reaction time on less-urgent “somethings” is noticeably slower, however.  If my memory serves me right, I was not as accurate when I was younger.  The brain’s pathways have been strengthened, I believe, experience upon experience.
(2/17/11)

What is working #14: “decisive energy.”

In a nutshell, it is experiencing the power inherent in choosing a clear course of action. The term “decide” comes from the latin root cid—meaning “to cut”. Deciding is an act of cutting off other potentials in favor of one potential which we hope to realize. When Erik asked me back in Jan. 1994 if I’d go steady with him, I said, “Sure, we could try that.” When six nice guys called me that very weekend to ask me out, I had to really decide if I was willing to cut off these “other potentials” in order to grow my relationship with Erik. I was. Cutting off the “what if’s” infuses one with energy and peace. It makes one’s immediate (though perhaps not life-long) course clear.
(2/22/11)

What is working #15: “wonderment.”

In a nutshell, it is remembering to be curious. Wonderment is a wonderful antidote when life feels mournfully monotonous. It is having a child’s perspective and approach to life rather than stagnating in self-restrained structure. I get in the mode of wonderment when I wander around the internet exploring idea after idea. Many times I feel guilty afterward for not being “productive,” but then my beloved Erik reminds me, “It’s not your job in life to be productive. Exploring ideas and thoughts is valuable—you enjoy it; it’s fascinating; it fills in the gaps in your education and helps you clarify what it is you want to do.” It makes me feel alive! (3/3/11)

What is working #16: “universalism.”

In a nutshell, it is believing that no one is condemned. This is a fairly recent belief of mine, growing in inverse proportion to my residual fear of a demanding God. It is believing that where there is omniscience—understanding of all that brings us to our decisions and actions–there can be mercy and compassion. It is believing that in whom there is hurt and harm, there can come healing and help, through the infinite power of Love. It is a motivating belief, inspiring me to seek to understand rather than to judge and condemn. It is something I hope to live and not just define. (3/13/11)

What’s working #17: “morning sunshine!”

In a nutshell, it is enjoying a morning hug of radiance from my Sol friend. A couple of years ago, I decided to switch the location of our dining and living room furnishings. Having a big, dedicated room for dining inspired regular, lingering evening meals. That was a boon. But, as I soon discovered, I was equally pleased with having a lounge-in-the-morning-sun area made possible by the large, un-curtained bay windows and french doors flanking the east side of our new sitting area. There are benefits, both emotional and vitaminal, to spending some time basking in the sun. (Cats know!) (4/28/11)

What’s working #18: “drop-dead deadlines”

In a nutshell, it is creating a realistic ending point (and a realistic consequence for incompletion) for a project I wish to accomplish.  For example, I hate sweeping and mopping our large kitchen/dining/sitting area and therefore haven’t done so for the past 2+ weeks.  Today I noticed the grime and decided to give myself a drop-dead deadline in order to get motivated to clean.  We had planned a fun family outing of swimming tonight, but I told myself I couldn’t go unless I got the floors done first.  Voila!  I got the floors shiny clean.  The deadline and the consequence gave me the motivation I needed.  (In the past, I’ve also used the website www.stickk.com to give myself deadlines.  Very helpful!) (6/5/11)

Erik told me months ago about a powerful blog post, “The disease called Perfection,” on SDL (Single Dad Laughing).  In the post, the author (Dan), writes of the pain-inducing illusion of Perfection which permeates our society and causes us to 1) compare ourselves with others (at least the persona of perfection we perceive in them), 2) assess (erroneously) that others are much better than we are, 3) feel ashamed to show the  real, flawed parts of ourselves (since the ideal of Perfection shuns weakness), and ultimately 4) to isolate ourselves emotionally from ourselves and others.  In a heart-wrenching plea, he asks us to start being real by telling others how perfect we aren’t.  He writes:

“This is me, weeping as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be ‘real’. This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the girls in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking you to act a little less perfect.

“Will you help me spread ‘Real’? Tell us below just how perfect you aren’t. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today.”

In an act of great courage, Dan listed 7 examples from his own life of things he hadn’t wanted people to ever know.  He called it his “dose of real.”  (I invite you to read his article.  It’s very touching!)

Well, folks, I’ve decided to take his challenge.  I’ll allow myself to share with you my own “dose of real,” with the hope that it will help even one of you know that you are not alone.  [Note:  Feeling extremely nervous even thinking about this.  Hmmm . . . Why is this so hard?!]

Here goes:

* I’ve been talking with a therapist because I can’t figure out who I really am and why it mattered that I be born. (My spiritual life with God and buddies was a pretty sweet existence before, I bet–assuming as I do that my soul is immortal.)  Why the need for mortal life and its temporal concerns and complexity?  And who am I, ultimately–a set of genes, an immortal personality, the product of my education/early environment . . .?

* For years I domineered my husband, tyrannically making most family decisions and controlling our money (his income!) with an iron fist.  He didn’t even feel free to run over and grab a hamburger, lest I berate him for that “unnecessary expenditure”!  My husband went numb over time, in our marriage.  (Glad he’s back!)

* Some days the seeming incurability of my depression has made the idea of life after death (the immortality of the soul) sound like a perpetual hell: ‘I’d rather cease to exist than suffer like this in the next life!  If I can’t overcome my depression here, what guarantee is there that my mind will be free of it there?!’

* I have not valued nor enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom, even though it was my choice (duty-bound, for sure) to become and remain one.  I’ve been tormented for years with illusions of grandeur, which have robbed me of contentment in domesticity and simple living. (Don’t ever tell your kids ‘They’re smart!” as they’re growing up; it’ll torment them as adults!)

* I had homophobia as a teen and secretly worried at times, ‘What if I’m gay and don’t know it?’  Almost never being invited on dates made me question whether I was desirable/feminine.  (Thankfully I met a gorgeous hunk, Erik Andersen, my first day at college, and he flirted with–and kissed me–a lot that semester.  Thanks, Babe, for being the answer to my insecurity at that time!)

* After our first child was born, I lost my libido for a time.  Being exhausted and depressed, I’d deny Erik, with the excuse: “It’s not my need.”  We’d go weeks between, and my homophobia caused me to again worry, ‘Does my lack of interest in sex suggest I’m gay?”  (Oprah featured the subject “When Women Don’t Want Sex” on one of her shows that year,  which helped me to learn that many other heterosexual women suffer from lack of libido as well.  I wasn’t alone!)

* I’m not a very good friend: I get wrapped up in my little world/mind and make little to no effort to keep in touch with or care for my friends.  Those whom I don’t see regularly (in the current context of my life) I tend to neglect.

* My insecurity has caused me to want others to be like me, but not quite as good as me, so I can feel important.  I’ve judged others harshly who were not like me.  I’ve had a hard time throughout my life admitting my mistakes out loud, or valuing others for the good people they are despite their human weaknesses.

*With unrealistic expectations, I’ve judged nearly everything in life for what it lacks.  I’ve viewed the cup as half empty.

Writing these things makes me want to shrink up in a ball and go away.  But perhaps acknowledging my problems  is a necessary step to begin freeing myself up from emotional bondage.  It’s hard for me to accept the idea that I’m limited as a person and that making mistakes and learning through trial-and-error is not only understandable but ultimately beneficial–because of the practical wisdom and humility such a process (and expectation) produces.  The vast emotional realm of feelings can be scary, and never admitting mistakes or fears feels safe.  But I’m beginning to understand that that safety is just a prison.  Being real is being open to our feelings and being free to explore them and their roots.  I’m excited I’m in therapy and am hopeful it will help!

Lying in bed this morning, the thought came:

Happiness doesn’t depend upon circumstances.

I kid you not when I say that the theme song of Star Wars immediately started ringing through my head, as if to indicate this was a major mystery solved! I smiled–marveling, then wavered–wondering, ‘Is it true?’ Could it be true, when the reality is that sometimes horrible things happen that hurt, hurt, hurt? Could it be true, when worries and fears about [current greatest concern] consume all of one’s emotional reserves, blocking the vital energy called happiness? Could it be true, when depression is real and a huge stumbling block to joy and hope?

‘But wait!’ I caught myself in the thought. ‘My depression happens despite my blessed circumstances: great spouse, financial security, good physical health, plenty of diversion, strong church community, supportive friends, etc. Could it also be that happiness is not contingent upon circumstances?’

The image of a glorious, eternal soul came to me–the Inner I that is not touched or damaged by the challenges and circumstances of life. The I that came from God, passes through mortal life, and continues from everlasting to everlasting. Surely that Soul’s happiness does not depend upon the externals of this life. Yet why is it so difficult for the conscious self, the Mortal Me that is the collective experience called [Shaunalei Boyer Andersen], to experience sustained happiness?

Then it struck me! Happiness (exhilaration) comes in purpose-filled doing (effort), no matter the outward circumstances. Depression (feeling stuck) remains during hope-sucking inactivity (wallowing), no matter the externals, either. In a nutshell,

“The key to happiness is effort.”

I’m excited to test the hypothesis, to see if indeed “working with a purpose” helps create “happiness on demand.” What do you think?

A while back I was talking with my husband Erik about the pain of disappointment–whether toward ourselves or the actions of others. I mentioned that there are many ways to deal with that pain:
* eating to excess (not healthy),
* exercising (typically beneficial),
* taking drugs (usually harmful unless necessary for mental stability),
* talking it over with a trusted friend (often helpful),
* planning and/or taking action (perhaps helpful, perhaps risky if done in the heat of the moment),
* etc. etc. ad infinitum.
I mentioned to him that it had occurred to me earlier that the simplest (and perhaps best) way to soften the pain of disappointment is to forgive people, including ourselves. We are where we are–emotionally, mentally, physically, politically, religiously, financially, pet-peevishly, TV-preferencely–in any given moment. The way we act in specific situations is simply a product of our state of being in that moment–determined by either our current emotional terrain, our well-traveled [i.e. habitual] synaptic highways, our internalized beliefs–whether conscious or subconscious, our fears, our passions, etc.. Rather than condemning ourselves or others, rather than feeling hurt by people’s choices and actions, we can forgive them–remembering, “The reality is, this is where they are” or “In their shoes (having acquired all of their past experiences, present circumstances, personality traits, and established thought processes), there’s no doubt I would act identically to them.” That’s called empathy, and it’s the greatest skill (and potential personal trait) one can acquire to try and improve relationships . . .

It is easier said than done, for sure. But the opposite, i.e. judging others and/or trying to force them to be “like we are” in this present moment—in the (sub)conscious hope of feeling validated—is an exercise in futility as well as disrespect. Being more self-aware, we can stop ourselves from judging, stop ourselves from feeling pain in human behavior, and instead ask, “How can I be of help?”